Week 470 CXXXVII: Czar Har 


Cher Nair: Miraculously removes unwanted years from your real age.

Buddha gouda: A cheese with a high fat content.

Deep Throat boat: It leaks.

Victor Hugo Yugo: A car that makes you très misérables.

Al Gore floor: It's wooden, and a little slippery.

This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Take the name of someone famous, rhyme it with a product, and describe the unholy union, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a pocketbook made from a coconut.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. No one came up with a better revised title for next week's contest.

Report From Week CXXXIII, in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two items in a 12-item list.

As always in such contests, some people took the loooong way around to issue political diatribes, as in "The difference between the Dad on 'Zits' and capital punishment is that the dad is an orthodontist, and orthodontia actually solves the problem it is supposed to solve, and . . . " This week marks the return from purgatory of Russell Beland of Springfield. He is back in our good graces after having had nine entries (including one today) attributed to other people.

Fourth Runner-Up: The difference between poetry by Yeats and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that poetry by Yeats waxes allegorical, whereas a Wall Street Journal editorial waxes Al Gore. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Third Runner-Up: The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and the Pennsylvania Dutch is that the Pennsylvania Dutch sometimes have a good time when they visit Philadelphia. (Rigoberto Tiglao, Manila)

Second Runner-Up: The difference between a mole on one's butt and the dad in "Zits" is that there's no reason to panic when the dad becomes larger and more colorful next Sunday. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

First-Runner-Up: The difference between ex-congressman James Traficant and five corpulent porpoises is that Traficant probably wouldn't make it back to shore if you dumped him 10 miles out into the Atlantic. Of course, he might. We could try. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

And the winner of the Eight-Legged Freak box: The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a mole on one's butt is that in a Pennsylvania Dutch neighborhood, there's probably no crack. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Honorable Mentions:

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and ex-congressman James Traficant is that when the offensive lines bend over, they're concerned about the guys in front of them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.)

The difference between original sin and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that the first argues that we are all born with transgressions and the second blames them solely on the Democrats. (Jason Meyers, Charlottesville)

The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and the dad in "Zits" is that, by comparison, the Pennsylvania Dutch practically define cool. (Amanda Fein, Potomac; Joseph Romm, Washington)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and poetry by Yeats is that things fall apart on the Redskins' offensive line even when the center IS holding. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Steve Rojcewicz, Silver Spring)

The difference between James Traficant and the dad in "Zits" is that the dad in "Zits" is less embarrassing to his children. (John Holder, Rock Hill, S.C.)

The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that one holds a quaint system of beliefs that fails to take the realities of the modern world into account, whereas the Pennsylvania Dutch make excellent pastries. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.; Joseph Romm, Washington)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and capital punishment is that the Redskins' offensive line can ruin your whole weekend. (Eugene H. Cantor, Bethesda)

The difference between capital punishment and the Redskins' offensive line is that capital punishment is probably a pretty good deterrent to killing a quarterback. (Gregory M. Krakower, New York)

The difference between five corpulent porpoises and the dad in "Zits" is four corpulent porpoises. (Amanda Fein, Potomac)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and a foofy little poodle is that poodles tend to have prissy little names like Anton or Francois or Jacques, while the Redskins' offensive line has manly names like Kip, Wilbert and Melvin. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The difference between original sin and a mole on one's butt is you can remove the mole. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

The difference between five corpulent porpoises and James Traficant is four blowholes. (Jack Welsch and Sugar Strawn, Alexandria; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that occasionally, the line will pull to the left. (David E. Romm, Minneapolis)

The difference between five corpulent porpoises and original sin is that only original sin is an anagram for "I nail groins." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The difference between James Traficant and a foofy poodle is that a poodle couldn't get away with strapping a dead human to its head and trying to say it was hair. (Bird Waring, New York)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and James Traficant is that the offensive line has numbers on their uniforms that don't go above two digits. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The difference between five corpulent porpoises and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that the porpoises might prey on cod and salmon, while a Wall Street Journal editorial might pray to God and Mammon. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

The difference between a mole on one's butt and James Traficant is that a mole is a spot on the arse, and Rep. Traficant is an arse on the spot. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

The difference between a foofy little poodle and Queen Noor of Jordan is that the poodle is a dog. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between the Redskins' offensive line and five corpulent porpoises is that the porpoises came to play. (John Held, Fairfax)

The difference between original sin and James Traficant is that original sin is a big onus, whereas . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between a mole on one's butt and James Traficant is that, over time, a mole can grow on you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The difference between poetry by Yeats and capital punishment is that poetry by Yeats is rarely experienced in Texas. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

The difference between the dad in "Zits" and the Redskins' offensive line is that the dad is a soft-in-the-middle Walt, and the offensive line is a soft-in-the-middle wall. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between a foofy little poodle and the Pennsylvania Dutch is that the Pennsylvania Dutch make do, whereas the poodle makes doo. (Spencer Moskowitz, age 8, Bethesda; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between capital punishment and a Wall Street Journal editorial is that capital punishment usually concludes shortly after the victim loses consciousness. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)